A Bundle of Sticks

"I don't set out to be different, I set out to be me, people think it's different."

For the last 25 years, or at least since I can remember any form of thought, I've felt different from what is expected to be the norm of living by the majority of people on this planet. 
Thoughts and feelings literally grinding along the edges of my skull, ploughing grooves of uncertainty into my inner most being.

For 25 years I've been terrified.
I've been terrified to let people know who I am.
I've been petrified of being gay, I've been aghast of who I am and NOT what I am.

(I choose to say "who" I am instead of "what" I am because being gay is who I am, it's a part of my identity. If I had to go with "what" I'd be saying that I am nothing more than gay, period).

The beautiful thing about who I am is that it's always been habitual to me. 

What I've felt, and the thoughts I've had, had been non other than customary.

The sad thing about who I am is that for most of my existence I had to pretend to be what I'm not in order to be accepted by the majority of a society that has zero to no understanding of who I am, because for them it is more about what I am. 

Don't you think we can agree on the fact that who someone is outweighs what they are?

Let's take George and Ryan as an example. They are two 5 year old boys, both from wealthy families. Both of them are spending an adventure filled day in the park. From an outsider's perspective it is clear that these two boys are bosom friends, even though they've just met. 

When it's time to go home they are both sad to say goodbye to the other and can't wait for their next adventure on their make belief pirate ship. Upon arriving home, George's parents asks him who he played with today, whereafter he replies, "with my friend". 

"The black boy that was with you in the park?" George's dad asks.

See, George didn't care about the color of Ryan's skin, in fact he didn't even notice it. His mind was blown away by the fact that he just met an awesome new friend that he's gonna have the time of his life with. He was more concerned about who Ryan was, what qualities they shared and why they'd be best friends. His parents on the other hand has been taught by society to fear differences. They saw Ryan for what he was and not for who he was. Ryan will from that day on forever be known as the black kid by both George and George's parents.

People's minds are agnostic until society teaches us that not all people are equal.

A famous author once wrote "All people are equal, but some people are more equal than others."

If you don't know the author or the quote you should definitely go look in the mirror and repeat the following; "I should read more, because reading is fundamental."

Society treats some people more equal than others because they measure the values, beliefs, norms, convictions, ideals, perspectives and principals of others based on WHAT they are instead of WHO they are  

I've grown up in a very (no really a very) conservative country and a very (you really have no idea) orthodox family. 

Since I was a little boy I went to church every Sunday and accepted Jesus into my life at a very early age, the only problem was that the very institution who introduced me to Jesus also condemned me to an eternity in hell. 

Sunday in and Sunday out I had to sit and listen to a man telling me that I will be thrown into a furnace of fire, cast out into the darkness, gnashing and weeping on my teeth as the inferno burns away my wicked desires.

What's worse was that the entire congregation sat and still sits in agreement with this man.

Can't you see? 

I was already cast out into the darkness! 

I was already gnashing and weeping on my teeth! 

There was already a fire eating away inside of me!

In the place where I was supposed to feel welcomed and loved, I felt rejected, scared and alone.

What shattered me was that I truly loved Jesus but it seemed to me that He's not quite as fond of me as I was made to? believe He was.

According to this man I'm listening to on Sundays I'd be sent to hell because of WHO I am. 

No explanation other than "the bible says it's a sin" and therefore my dear child, you're going to burn.

This is terrifying since none of us can change WHO we are.

Is your sexual orientation part of who you are?

Can you change your sexual orientation?

Then why do you tell me that my sexual orientation is a choice?

There are seven Bible verses used to defend the "traditional" view on homosexuality, compared to over 2000 Bible versus on poverty, on money, on the rich and poor, yet "Christians" choose to focus on the seven verses talking about homosexuality.

I get it, it's easier to see someone else's sin other than your own.

But here's where it gets interesting, the word homosexuality didn't show up in English translations of the Bible until 1946.

If it was never there, someone must have put it there, right?

I am not going to go into detail with this since it's your responsibility to educate yourself regarding this matter, so here is a link to an article that might help you understand better:

https://www.litnet.co.za/homoseksualiteit-en-sewe-klassieke-bybelse-tekste-antigay-of-misverstaan/

Unfortunately most of this website in is Afrikaans but a small Google search on this topic would provide you with enough research papers on this subject.

The problem with "Christians" these days is that they don't ask questions.

They are oblivious to other perspectives and opinions and only have ears for what their pastor/minister tells and teaches them.

They don't take into account that this pastor/minister is a person just like them and interprets and experiences the Bible in his/her own way and then teaches/preaches accordingly.

"Christians" bow down to someone that obtained a degree but in the process forget about God.

I have decided to follow the teachings of Jesus and ignore what the church, a man made institution, says about me because never has He ever condemned or even talked about homosexuality, yet the church positions themselves as an authoritative figure, claiming that what "they" say goes.

Then people wonder why so many gay people leave the church, or the religion for that matter.

It's because churches do what Jesus said He wouldn't do....... "They" condemn.

Just to be clear, I am a Christian (I don't know how I feel about the word Christian to be honest). 

I love Jesus and I know He loves me for WHO I am, and WHO I am is gay. 

He made me this way (Haaahh gasp) (also that is pair rhyme right there, get educated).

Food for thought, going to church on Sundays as a young boy hearing you'll burn in hell because of who you are does an unimaginable amount of damage, that up until this day, lingers inside of me.

What was/is a real stake in the heart is that it wasn't only my religion that condemned me, but also the people closest to my heart.

Being at home, hearing what an abomination being a faggot is in the eyes of God, is enough to make any sane person abhor themselves.

I had to listen how the people who claim to love me the most condemn gay people. How this world is turning upside down, and how we are clearly living in the end times as everything nowadays are being accepted. The only reason marriage equality is being accepted is because gay people finally felt that they could make their voices heard. I don't know if this is new to you, but gay people were always there, literally since the beginning of time. 

Out of ignorance people believe that this has been a recent phenomenon and this is why they believe being gay is a choice because why all of a sudden are the so many homosexual people around?

The author, Peter Ackroyd, who wrote the book, Queer city: Gay London From the Romans to the Present Day, argues that homosexuality has had peaks and troughs of social and legal acceptability from the Roman era till now. It emphasizes that persecution became widespread in the Victorian era and the English speaking world because of the British empire. It comes down to the fact that the most severe period of oppression towards gay people began in the 1940's and has progressed since then to the extend of what we see happening today (as mentioned above the word homosexuality has only been present in the English Bible since 1946).

Throughout history regardless of religion, race, nationality or culture, different degrees of oppression  towards gay people has always existed but not to the extend we see today. 

The big question remains that in older civilizations where being gay was a far more foreign concept than what it is today, why is it that our modern society, with information at the tips of their fingers, choose to belittle, oppress, abuse and violate my rights as well as millions of others' rights to exist? 

Being gay for me was a lifelong sentence of imprisonment from myself in order to fit in with society, my church and my family.
Growing up was not easy. Imagine changing (or no, not changing, as we all know that people don't change fundamentally) but suppressing your entire identity just to feel accepted?
I was mocked and laughed at as a young boy for talking funny. 

The way this made me feel is hard to convey in words. You have this uncomfortable feeling inside of you, born in the pit of your stomach, that slowly slithers its way into your mind, the venom poisoning you and slowly breaking down your self-confidence. 

Your heart feels trapped in a vice-grip. 

Unpalatable, sore, comments about your voice being to feminine, your mannerisms that's a bit too much when compared to masculine standards, and your character are an incessant echo that resonates in your very core and later lights a fire of self hatred and doubt.

"What if they are right?" 

I mean, I stand in front of the mirror and I see the reflection of a man, but what I see and what I hear contradicts each other. I hear from strangers, friends, family, and my church that I can't be a man because I don't fit the traditional framework of masculinity, therefore, to make it easier for everyone else I'll be labeled a faggot.

Now I know who and what I am.

To try and fit in and become part of "the guys" I decided to play rugby from the age of 11. I was never exactly crazy about the sport but I also didn't hate it. For me it was my entry into "the real man's world". 

Finally people would stop asking questions about my sexuality since rugby is tough and manly and no sport fit for a faggot.

I finally felt that I fit in, even though deep down I knew I was lying to myself. All of this came at a cost of course. To protect myself, and my identity, I had to sit and listen how "the guys" made fun of gay people, what's worse was that I joined in on their jokes. The word faggot was casually used without anyone ever stopping to consider what this word meant as well as the power it had over the homosexual community. Then again, why would we stop to consider the repercussions of this word if it doesn't affect us, but rather a a community of people we already see as peculiar?

I made great friends that I still keep in contact with up until this day and I don't blame them for cracking these distasteful jokes, how can I if I did exactly the same? I was so scared of being caught out that I would sometimes even lead these conversations and get a laugh from them, this solidified my position as part of "the guys" and instead of being an outcast I was, for the first time, accepted by a group of men that fit the bill of what a man should be like according to society. It felt great, but deep down inside I always wondered what they would've done, and how they'd react had they known WHO I really was. Would they still have shared a room with me on tour? Would they still have invited me over to their houses? Would my coach have allowed me to be part of the team? Would they still have cracked the same jokes? Would we still have referred to the way your hands should be positioned before catching a ball as faggot hands?

I guess I'll never know, but at the same time I don't hold any grudges since I knew these guys were inherently good, it all came down to education and nurture. We all grew up in houses that did exactly the same thing and in the end we were products of our environment. 

University was a very liberating experience for me, and I'm sure for many gay people around the world. I wasn't living with my parents anymore, not that it was bad living with them, but now I had more freedom to be WHO I was. In school you were in a sense forced to be friends with your peers since you're surrounded by them on a daily basis (Don't get me wrong, I had great friends in school). University offered freedom in the sense of choosing who you wanted to surround yourself with. You meet people from different upbringings, cultures, races and religions and that in itself opens up your mind to view the world differently from what you were used to. 

It was refreshing to converse with people who had different outlooks on life and homosexuality. 

I've made friends with people who had a similar upbringing than I had. Even with the same conservative Afrikaans mindset we grew up in, these people were more accepting towards differences, and this was an eye opener as it made me realize that even Christians can embrace differences depending on the environment they are nurtured in. Why was it that my Christian family chose to disregard my identity but these friends' had such a wider perspective of the world even though we were cut from the same cloth. Does it maybe have something to do with how we as Christians interpret the Bible? Did these friends look at the Bible from a more critical perspective instead of reading it in a pure literal way? The Bible is a book isn't it? And don't we all know that literature holds much more value than what is printed on the pages?

These friends made me, for the first time, feel more comfortable in my own skin as well as in my faith. I slowly but surely started to mature more into WHO I was, it was still difficult, but I had hope of not remaining trapped inside myself forever.

There were obviously still a lot of homophobia in university. I especially remember one particular incident where I was standing at a bar and had a guy coming up to me asking whether I was gay. Obviously I replied "no" (okay, I did also add that if I was I wouldn't be interested) whereafter he replied "Good, cause I'm looking for someone to fuck up".

All self-acceptance and personal progress I've gained was immediately shattered after this one person's derogatory comment.

I remember one night getting home after a night out and just ended up sitting in my car sobbing profusely and asking God why He gave me this cross to bear? Why does He say that He knitted me together in my mother's womb and called me by name just to later throw into my face that I'll got to hell? Why would he instill this idea into people's minds that being gay is a choice when I'm sitting here literally crying my heart out, pleading for answers? Who would choose this? Who would choose a life of constant fear for being discovered, a life blanketed by discrimination? 

Let me tell you who would choose this, NO ONE!

I asked God for a clear sign that night. I needed to hear from Him that I'm okay.

I am going to tell you about the sign I received and then you make your own conclusions surrounding that. (For background reference I was part of my universities choir at that time).

I dreamed that our choir had a performance.

My mom and grandma were sitting in the audience listening to us sing.

People started getting up and walking away as they weren't interested in listening to us.

At that stage my grandma gets up from the crowd and makes her way to the conductor.

She told him that this is not how she knows we can perform.

At this stage the conductor stops us and makes us start singing a new song.

All the choir members were standing but I was sitting down as I was at the top of the podium and also very scared of heights (It felt as if though the height was pulling me down).

The song we then started singing was Psalm 16.

As we started singing, people started walking back, taking in their seats.

The music calmed me and gave me the courage to stand up.

As I stood up I started falling forward, the height literally felt like it was pulling me down.

One of my friends standing next to me (who is gay too by the way) then grabbed me and kept me from falling.

As I stood up the conductor made one swift move with his hands and all of a sudden all fear disappeared from within me.

I stood up tall and sang at the top of my lungs, forgetting about the fear that was moments ago lingering on the inside.

As our song filled the air the crowd grew bigger and bigger.

My grandma, having been next to the conductor the whole time then stood up and walked away, as she walked away she turned back and smiled.

At that moment I woke up.

Tears rolled down my face as I lay in my bed thinking that this has been the sign I've been asking for a few hours ago. 

Psalm 16 says the following;

Preserve me, O God: for in thee I put my trust.

O my soul, thou hast said unto the Lord: my goodness extendeth not to thee;

But to the saints that are in the earth, and to the excellent, in whom is all my delight.

Their sorrows shall be multiplied that hasten after another god: their drink offerings

of blood will I not offer, nor take up their names into my lips.

The Lord is the portion of mine inheritance and of my cup: thou maintainest my lot.

The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant places; I have a goodly heritage.

I will bless the Lord, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons.

I have set the Lord always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.

For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell, neither wilt thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption.

Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.

This is open for interpretation but like I mentioned earlier, the Bible is a book of literature that should be critically studied and all of us have our own perspectives regarding the word of God. From my perspective this was God telling me that He accepts me and that He will not send me to hell based on WHO I am. 

With this in mind, if you're not religious/Christian the above mentioned wouldn't really resonate with you but I'm hoping that it means something for someone who's had the same struggles regarding their sexuality and their faith.

Whilst growing up I've always dreamed about working abroad one day. 

Something about this idea was unexplainably appealing to me. My soul has always felt this yearning for adventure, it felt trapped and wanted to break free. I wanted to know more about this world we live in, I was intrigued by its wonders and the mysteries it held. I guess you could say that my life started feeling overbearingly monotonous. I was trapped in a comfort zone and it started scaring me as comfort zones do not cultivate an environment of self improvement. It literally stops you from being the best version of yourself you could possible be, it extinguishes achievement and physically, as well as mentally, wears you down until your sad and miserable. To break free from my mundane existence I decided at the age of 25 to fly half way across the world to Taiwan, a small island nation situated south-east of the coast of China.

The irony of it all was that I was now living in a country that I, strictly speaking, knew absolutely nothing about. I didn't understand the culture, the religion, or the language yet I felt more understood here than I've ever felt back home.

Taiwan was a completely new start for me, both physically as well as spiritually. I could finally be WHO I've always been. I was finally free from criticism and judgment but more importantly from a country with a very narrow-minded out look on life, or at least in my opinion.

For the first time since I can remember, I've felt so comfortable and at ease with my sexual identity that I mustered the courage to be open about it.

For years I kept it from family and friends back home but I've told myself that I will no longer be doing that. I immediately told people about myself. Funny thing is I told them this so that they can decide whether they want to be part of my life or not. 

I really thought that some of these people would leave and choose not to befriend me, but here I am today, almost 5 years later since arriving in Taiwan and I am still friends with each and everyone of those people.

My upbringing and social environment made me believe that I won't be accepted, which stands in contrast with my friends' upbringings and social environments that encouraged them to accept and love everyone for WHO they are, to appreciate differences. 

In the last 5 years Taiwan has been more of a home for me than South Africa ever was.

I've been thinking about writing this post for quite some time now. To be honest, when I started writing I got quite scared as there are a lot of friends and family that still don't know about me. I was thinking about my mom and how this would affect her, cause if I shared this everyone would know her son is gay and what would they say about her behind her back. See, things like this make it difficult too, not only am I worried about myself but also about my mom. Her friends, and other family members will read this and gossip about it, and I don't want my mom to go through that, she does not deserve that. So if you're close to my mom and you're reading this please don't talk about it behind her back, but worst of all, please don't pity her. 

What you've read was my personal experience of struggling to live as a Christian gay man, and this has all only been a drop in the ocean of what I've been through.

I hope this opens up your mind and I hope it offers a change of perspective towards how you perceive and talk about gay people.

The aim of this post was to share my story and not to offend. 

If I offended anyone in any way I want to apologize.

Jane Austen wrote that; "Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves; vanity, to what we would have others think of us.

So yes, I am proud. 

I am proud of myself to be me.

I am proud of myself for sharing a part of my story.

I am proud  of myself for clinging to my faith even though I had no reason to.

I am proud of myself for staying strong throughout the years.

I am proud of myself for fighting a battle against discrimination.

But most of all,

I AM PROUD OF WHO I AM.

I'm beautiful in my way

Cause God makes no mistakes

I'm on the right track baby

I was born this way

Hail mother Gaga :)

And there you have it, 

my bundle of sticks. 

Love,

Me