Die Grootmense Gaan Dans / The Grace Baptist Church Potluck

Die Grootmense Gaan Dans

Die jaar is 1998. Dit is ‘n ongemaklike warm somer  Saterdag middag. Ek en Stoffel lê op die sitkamer mat en kyk Die Kind van die Sterre. My pa is besig met sy vierde Olofberg, ek weet dit want hy het Steps se CD in die kombuis aangesit . My ma maak gekookte eiers, hoenderboudjies en klein driehoek broodjies wat sy in ‘n picnic mandjie pak. Ek’t laas sulke kossies geeet by tannie Tossie se begrafnis. Die Here het haar kom haal nadat sy en oom Loekie gemeenskap gehad het in die parkeer area voor die kerk. Ek’t my ma gevra wat is gemeenskap toe sê sy  dit is wanneer mens met vuur speel en toe knik ek my koppie en gooi n roosblaartjie op tannie Tossie se kis en vat my mamma se hand. Inelkgeval,  my ma hulle het reg gemaak om vanaand Perdeskoen toe te gaan. Eenkeer ‘n maand  het Klerksdorp Hotel ‘n vastrap gereël in ‘n groot saal net buite die dorp, uit op die Palmietfontein pad. Ek was veronderstel om by ouma Lien te gaan slaap maar sy en oom Eugene gaan ook Perdeskoen toe so toe besluit my ma hulle om my maar saam te vat. Gelukkig het hulle gesê dat tannie Corrie en Pietertjie ook daar gaan wees, hy was my heel beste maatjie.

My storie op die TV is klaar en in die kombuis is Steps vervang met “Sexy Eyes” en toe weet ek my ma is ook nou dronk. Tannie Corrie en Pietertjie was 5uur by ons huis gewees want ons gaan almal sommer saam in ons bakkie ry. Saam met tannie Corrie was oom Abrie of oom Attie of oom Johan of oom Ronald. Ek kan nie eitnlik onthou nie want tannie Corrie het altyd  ‘n ander oom gehad. My ma het gesê di’s omdat sy van ‘n springkaan hou maar dit het nie vir my sin gemaak nie.

Ons almal klim toe in die bakkie, my pa se een oog het al so klein bietjie begin hang en hy’t sy gunsteling blou blokkies kerk hemp en jeans aan. My ma en tannie Corrie giggel en Pietertjie vra toe hoekom en toe sê tannie Corrie vir hom want hulle is gevul met die Heilige gees en toe seê ek vir Pietertjie di’s regtig so want ek’t dit eenkeer in die kerk gehoor. Oom Abrie of oom Attie of oom Johan of oom Ronald slaan vir tannie Corrie op die boud toe sy by die deur in kruip. “Di’s vieslike gedrag” fluister ek toe ek en Pietertjie agter by die canopy in klim. Die canopy se deur kan nie lekker oop bly nie so toe ek in is druk ek die besemstok onder die deurtjie in maar díe gly toe en donder neer op Pietertjie se rug. Sy rug was aant bloei terwyl hy klop aan die klein venstertjie tussen die canopy en die bakkie om sy ma se aandag te kry. Toe sy die venstertjie oopskuif bliksem Dana Winner se Greates Hits ons tussen die oë. Pietertjie huil vreeslik en daar is snot onder sy neus, “jy’sn moffie” seê ek saggies en hou my beentjies vas en vat ‘n slukkie van my Oros. Toe hy sy hempie oplug om vir tannie Corrie te wys toe kon ek reg deur tot in sy longe in sien. Tannie Corrie grou toe in haar handsak en gee vir hom ‘n tissue en ‘n versterkte disprin, en toe skuif sy ook maar die venstertjie toe .

My pa reverse uit die motorhuis uit en ry so bietjie oor Stoffel se agterbeen en so is ons toe nou op pad. Die canopy pas nie heeltemal oor die bak van die bakkie nie en is hier en daar met draad en lemoensakkies vasgebind. Ek dink die canopy was gemaak vir ‘n Datsun maar ons is in ‘n  Hilux. Die deur van die canopy kan ook nie toe maak op knip nie en die klap-klap so teen die bakkie soos wat ons oor die grondpad beweeg. Net voor ons by die Perdeskoen opdaag is daar ‘n “speedbump” in die pad wat my pa heeltemal te laat sien en teen 120km skiet ons die hemelruim in. Pietertjie klap sy kop so tlô teen die canopy se dak vas en gee ‘n hik toe hy op die matrassie val. Ek krap my arm oop tot teen die been teen ‘n stukkie van die blou-draad wat die canopy op die bakkie hou. Die deur slaan teen daai bakkie vas soos ‘n Jehova getuie sy vuis teen ‘n voordeur en met die val die ruit uit daar op die Palmietfontein pad.           “O fats” sê my pa en maak nog ‘n bier oop. Na twintig minute is ons uiteindelik by die Perdeskoen. Ek sien ouma Lien se Pasoula netjies en blink gewas  in die rye en rye karre staan. Toe die bakkie se deure oopgaan toe val ‘n toolbox uit en  toe val tannie Corrie ook uit. Ek sê vir Pietertjie “ek dink jou ma is dronk” Nee sê hy, sy raak anders as sy gaan dans.

Die mesne is almal baie vriendelik toe ons by die saal instap. “Jirre seun, laas toe ek jou gesien het was jy nog aan die tiet gewees” sê oom Viper toe hy my sien. Pietertjie vra my toe of hy ook ‘n Christen is en ek sê toe ja.  Ek hoor ‘n vieslike lag, amper soos wanneer mens ‘n clavier rol, en sien toe vir ouma Lien en tannie Vallery by ‘n groot ronde tafel sit. My ouma was vir my die heel mooiste vrou van almal. Haar rok was groen, haar oë was blou, haar hare was groot en sy’t haar tand in. “Eendag as ek groot is gaan ek soos ouma Lien aantrek” seê ek vir Pietertjie soos ek na haar toe hardloop. Voor haar op die tafel lê haar clutch, ‘n pakkie Piet rooi, ‘n asma pompie en twee pepperminte.  Oom Eugene en oom Kassie kom by die tafel aan en lyk so bietjie benoud. “Jirre Lien jy moet kom help, Ina is op dokter van Niekerk se tafel  en vra vir n konsultasie.” Ek’t omgekyk en haar op die tafel sien lê en vandag weet ek waar die dorp Paternoster sy naam vandaan kry. “My ma se tannie Ina hou ook van springkaan, nes jou ma” sê ek vir Pietertjie en sit een van die pepperminte in my mond.

Intussen het my ma en pa en tannie Corrie en oom Abrie of oom Attie of oom Johan of oom Ronald gaan stelling inneem by Elmarie van Ettiene se tafel. Hannetjie en Petro  Pienaar was ook daar. Hulle was in standerd drie en hulle het al gevloek. Ouma Lien het my altyd gesê daai twee dogtertjies is so bietjie gom maar sy kry hulle eintlik jammer  want hulle word in ‘n rowwe huis groot en hulle pa mag dalk hulle oom wees maar niemand is regtig seker nie en niemand vra regtig vrae nie. Die Pienaar susters het vir my en Pietertjie elkeen aan ‘n hand beet en ons gaan willig saam met hulle buiten toe. “Ons gaan julle vanaand leer rook” se Hannetjie toe ons buite by ‘n lee swembad kom. My oë glinster want ek wou nog my hele lewe lank leer om te rook. Petro haal toe ‘n pakkie Courtleys uit en steek een siggaret aan.  “Waar kry jy die siggarette?” vra Pietertjie vir haar, “By my meisie, ons is lesbene” sê Petro terwyl sy  ‘n trek vat. “Ek wil ook eendag ‘n lesbeen wees” sê ek. “Fok, hy tref diep” sê Hannetjie toe dit haar beurt was. Sy trek daai arme siggaret met een trek tot teen die filter. “Sies Hannetjie, jy praat lelik, my ma sê ek is in die eindtye gebore en in die laaste dae gaan kinders  tee praat en mense gaan draks doen en daar gaan groot springkane wees, en ek weet tannie Corrie en tannie Ina hou van springkane maar my ma sê dis lelike goed en hulle gaan groot wees en hulle gaan mense seer maak” en net toe kom tannie Corrie om die draai en sien ons rook en gil, “Julle bliksems, julle speel met vuur” toe sy dit sê het ek onmiddelik my hande in gebed gevou en my kop gelig na die hemele want tannie Tossie is dood nadat sy en oom Loekie met vuur gespeel het in die kerk se parkeerarea.

Ons was daai aand verbied om ooit weer saam met die Pienaar susters uit te hang. Teen tien uur die aand was ek en Pietertjie moeg en wou ons huistoe gaan. Binne in die saal gaan dinge lekker. Tannie Ina en dokter van Niekerk gooi n lastige two step verby my en Pietertjie. Ouma Lien en oom Eugene  is onder die tafel opsoek na haar tand. My pa en ma en tannie Corrie en oom Abrie of oom Attie of oom Johan of oom Ronald drink koeldrank uit sulke klein glasies uit. Ek het dit al in die kerk gesien eenkeer en dan praat die mense ook partykeer snaakse goed, of huil, net soos vanaand. Ek en Pietertjie was vreeslik trots om in sulke gelowige huise te kon groot word. Onder ons tafel was ‘n matrassie vir my en Pietertjie. Ek’t ‘n gebed opgesê en toe my ogies toegemaak soos wat David Hasslehoff se Highway to your heart my droomland toe vat.

Uiteindelik was dit tyd om huis toe te gaan. My pa dra my ma bakkie toe want sy was baie bitterlik moeg gewees. Halfpad bakkie toe,toe val hulle oor Hannetjie en Petro Pienaar. My pa het gesê di’s omdat hy nie sy bril opgehad nie. Díe twee het buite gedoeks, onder hulle stasiewa, maar hulle ouers het hulle vergeet en toe ek mooi kyk kon ek ‘n ligte tyre merk op Petro se bo been sien. Tannie Corrie en oom Abrie of oom Attie of oom Johan of oom Ronald baklei want sy sê hy is lastig. Ek dink hy was ‘n baie snaakse oom want elke keer dan fluister hy ‘n grappie in tannie Corrie se oor dan geggil sy en klap sy hand weg van haar guava af. Ek en Pietertjie klim agter by die canopy in en my pa gooi toe sommer my ma saam met ons in. Siestog ,sy moes baie moeg gewees het wan’t sy’t nie eers wakker geword nie.

My pa het vir tannie Corrie gevra om die stokke te vat want hy’t gese hy was baie moeg gewees. Nie tien minute later nie toe hoor ons ‘n snaakse geluid. Toe ons by die venstertjie uitkyk toe sien ons tannie Corrie ry al die paaltjies plat aan die die regterkant van die pad. Haar koppie kap so teen die bestuurs venster en haar asem maak ‘n wasempie teen die ruit soos wat sy doeks agter die stuur. My ma het intussen wakker geword en gaan toe aant gil dat Corrie moet wakker. Met die, skrik tannie Corrie en pluk aan die stokke en so is ons dwarsdeur  Lubern Veevore se heining en aan die ander kant uit, weer terug op die pad. My ma het intussen deur die venstertjie tussen die bakkie en die canopy gekruip en ‘n vieslike winkelhak in haar rok geskeur toe sy by die anderkant in val. Sy’t so groot geskrik sy’t dadelik oom Thys se Openbaringsreeks se tape in die radio gedruk en tussen die geskarrel en remoer hoor ek iets van ‘n vierde trompet wat blaas en ‘n rooi perd en ‘n koninkryk en toe ry tannie Corrie oor Stoffel en toe is ons by die huis. Ek was so bietjie hartseer gewees want Stoffel was my gunsteling hondjie, maar my ma het gese hy is nou by Liewe Jesus en toe gee sy my ‘n disprin en ‘n soen op my voorkop. Tannie Corrie en die oom en Pietertjie klim toe in hulle kar en gaan huis toe.“My fok Corrie” skreeu my ma toe tannie Corrie oor haar Icerbergs ry. Haar kar het drie keer gaan staan op die grondpad en hulle is eenkeer oor ‘n baie groot klip maar hulle het daai nag nog by die huis uitgekom.

Ons het gewoonlik op Sondae na oom Thys se kerk toe gegaan om te hoor van die laaste dae en van draks en springkane, maar daai Sondag het ons by die huis gebly en my ma het vir ons gelees uit 1 Koringkrieke 4 vers 5. Ek dink sy’t baie warm gekry want sy’t met ‘n lappie op haar voorkop rondgeloop.  “Wat is ‘n lesbeen mamma?” vra ek. Sy gee ‘n harde sluk, skuif ongemaklik rond op haar stoel, maak haar keel skoon  en sê toe “Di’s mense wat baie van koek hou” en di’s toe dat ek finaal besluit het om eendag ‘n lesbeen te word.

English follows Afrikaans, special thanks to Emily Yarrison for helping me with the translation.

 The Grace Baptist Church Monthly Potluck

The year was 1998. It was an extremely uncomfortable, sweaty, summer Saturday afternoon. My dog Patches and I were lying on the living room carpet watching Arthur. My dad was busy with his fourth Jack and Coke; I know this because I hear Lynyard Skynyard playing in the kitchen. My mom is busy making deviled eggs, chicken thighs and small triangular sandwiches that she’ll pack in our picnic basket that we’ll use at tonight’s festivities. The last time I had food like this was at Miss Nancy’s funeral. The Lord came to get her after she and Carl had intercourse in the parking area in front of church. The moment got to her and her poor heart was too weak to handle the heat. I asked my mom what intercourse was and she said it’s when people play with fire. I nodded my head and threw a rose petal on Nancy’s coffin and took my mom’s hand. Anyways, my mom and dad were busy getting ready to go to a church potluck. Once a month, the local Baptist church organized one headache of an event which involved some cakewalks, bingo, dads sipping out of hidden flasks, and a silent auction.  Last year we lost Babs when she cracked her skull after falling from a flagpole, trying to seduce Pastor Peter in an ill faded twirl and swirl.

My story on TV was finally finished and I heard Lynyard Skynyard being replaced with Rod Steward, a clear sign that my mom too was now drunk. Jocelyn and her son, Kevin, arrived at our house at around 11am. Kevin and I had been best friends since kindergarten. We are all going to drive to church together. With Jocelyn and Kevin is another man. I think his name was Bill/Dennis/Chip or Howard. I couldn’t remember because Jocelyn always had a new man. My mom said it was because she loved a womb broom but that didn’t make sense to me.

We all got into our two-tone Dodge neon. My dad’s one eye was starting to droop, he was wearing his favorite khaki cargo shorts and the same short sleeved buttoned up he always wore to court. My mom and Jocelyn were giggling when they got into the car. Kevin asked his mom what was wrong and she replied that they were filled with the Holy Spirit. I told Kevin that this is true because I heard about this in church one time. Bill/Dennis/Chip or Howard slaps Jocelyn on the bum when she got into the car. “This is disgusting behavior” I whispered as Kevin and I strapped ourselves in. The door usually struggles to close but by now I’m an expert in shoving the wooden spoon into the window well.

After twenty minutes we finally arrived at Fountain of Hope Baptist Church and in the parking lot I saw my grandma’s wood paneled station wagon amongst the other freshly washed shiny cars. As the door opened the wooden spoon fell to the ground and then Jocelyn followed. “I think your mom’s drunk” I told Kevin. “No” he said “she just gets excited when she goes to potlucks. The people were all very friendly when we walked into the church basement. “Bless your heart Ross, the last time I saw you, you were still on the tit” said Spike Henderson as he pulled on his cigarette. “Is he a Christian too?” asked Kevin. I heard something that resembled the sound of when you’d roll a piano and then realized it was the sound of my grandma laughing with her best friend Vallery. For me, grandma was the most beautiful woman in the room. Her dress was green, her eyes were blue, her hair was big, and she had her tooth in. I looked at Kevin, softly smiled and whispered, “One day when I’m big I’m gonna dress like grandma” right before I skipped towards her.

Uncle Eugene and uncle Ned, pale as ghosts, arrived at our table, nearly hyperventilating “Mimi come quick, Tammy Ann is spread eagle on Dr. Van Houten’s table asking for a consultation” it was then I turned around and made eye contact with her star spangled banner. “My mom says Tammy Ann likes a womb broom, just like your mom” I said to Kevin.

In the meantime my mom, dad, Jocelyn and Bill/ Dennis/Chip or Howard went to sit at a table close to the DJ/Pastor’s microphone. Mandy and Patty Palmer were there too. They were in the third grade and they already cursed. Grandma always said that they were a bit trashy but that she felt sorry for them because they grew up very rough and that their dad might also be their uncle but no one really knew and no one really asked any questions. The Palmer sisters grabbed Kevin and my hands and we walked with them to the parking lot. “We’re gonna teach you two idiots how to smoke” said Mandy. My eyes lit up as I’ve always wanted to learn the fine art of cigarette smoking. Patty pulls out a packet of Virginia Slims. “Where did you find the cigarettes?” asked Kevin. “My girlfriend gave them to me” said Patty, “We’re lesbians”. I didn’t know what that was but I nodded approvingly. “Fuck, it hits deep” said Patty as she pulled the living fuck out of that poor cigarette. “Patty, seriously, my mom says I was born in the end times and she says in these times children would start talking back to their parents, people would start doing drugs and everybody is gonna want a womb broom and I know Kevin’s mom likes womb brooms but my mom says they’re gonna be big and they’re going to hurt people”. Just then Jocelyn came around the corner and found us huddled like whores behind the dumpster. “You little shits, you’re playing with fire,” she yelled. I immediately clasped my hands in prayer and turned my head towards the heavens because I remembered Nancy dying after she and Carl played with fire in the very same parking lot we found ourselves in.

After this brush with death we were banned from ever hanging out with the Palmer sisters again. By 7pm Kevin and I got tired and wanted to go home. Inside the basement things were starting to get out of hand. Svetlana, my mom’s Russian friend who had been living in the U.S illegally for the last twenty years, made a fruit punch. Everyone crowded around it like hippos at a watering hole. Little did they know that she doesn’t consider Vodka an alcohol and therefore it had more punch than fruit. It turned out that Dr. Van Houten agreed to give Tammy Ann a consultation by the looks of things. Grandma and uncle Eugene were under the table looking for her tooth. My mom, dad, Jocelyn, Bill/ Dennis/Chip or Howard were drinking apple juice from small little glasses. I’ve seen this in church before and just like then they were also talking funny and crying. Kevin and I were very proud to be raised in Christian homes like this. Pastor Peter closed the day’s events with scripture but forgot his Bible so he tried to turn an old US Weekly advice column into verse.

It was finally time to go home. My dad was carrying my mom to our car because she was so tired she could barely walk. Halfway to the car they fell over Mandy and Patty Palmer who were sleeping under their mother’s station wagon. She likely forgot they were there and drove home without them. When I looked closely I could see a tire mark on Mandy’s thigh. Jocelyn and Bill/ Dennis/Chip or Howard were having a small fight because she said he was being silly. I thought he was a very funny man because every time he whispered something into her ear she would start giggling and then she’d hit his hand away from her guava. Kevin and I got into the back of our car and I wedged the wooden spoon back into the window well just so. My dad threw my mom in the back with us, she must have been very tired because she looked as uncomfortable as a Jehovah’s witness at a strip club and didn’t even wake up.

My dad asked Svetlana to drive us home as he said he was tired too. Ten minutes later we heard a funny noise and when we looked out of the window we saw that Svetlana was driving over all the traffic cones on the left side of the road. Her head was bumping against the driver’s side window which looked like a scene from Gorillas in the Mist as her breath was gradually fogging it up. While this was happening my mom woke up and began yelling in something that sounded like English. Svetlana woke up with a fright, blasphemed, jerked on the steering wheel and before we knew it we went straight through the fence of a Monsanto owned cornfield making corn fly at 90 miles per hour out on the other side back on the road again. My mom got such a fright that she put Pastor Peter’s Revelations tape into the radio and throughout the commotion I heard something about a fourth trumpet being blown, a red horse, though kingdom come then we drove over Patches, and then we were home. 

Jocelyn, Kevin and Bill/ Dennis/Chip or Howard got in their car and drove home. “Fuck Jocelyn, my azaleas” yelled my mom as Jocelyn ploughed out of the driveway. Her car stalled three times and they went over some kind of ant heap or big rock but they eventually made it home that night.

We usually went to church on Sundays to listen to Pastor Peter talk about the end times and about drugs and about womb brooms but that Sunday we stayed home. My mom must’ve been very hot because she walked around with a wet cloth on her head. “What is a lesbian mama?” She audibly gulped and shifted uncomfortably in her chair before she answered and said “Lesbians are people who love tacos” and it was then that I decided to become a lesbian one day.